@Mytwoscentz

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

- @Mytwoscentz

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@Abusitron

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

@ThisOneSayz

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

@Gupton68

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

@TheMichaelRock

If you’re bored, go find someone under the age of 20 and explain beepers to them.

@_Tempo11

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

@BritXNic

My waxer just cancelled.
So I’m making the best of a bad situation and riding around on top of minivans, Teen Wolf style.

@LiamDrydenEtc

“Millennials are so entitled!”
Aye well I don’t see 20-somethings screaming for the manager because their coupon expired a month ago, Janet

@whimsik_l

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing