I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
#math
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.