I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
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[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
A Short Story.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
🙀🙀🙀😹
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Oh, I bet you would be
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Hot Panini is in big trouble
