Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?