I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
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That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
