I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
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a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
SONOFA
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”