Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.