Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

found my next D&D character name

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

Oh no

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

christening a ship with an overripe banana

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?