Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

when revenge coincides with naptime

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.