Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

getting corrected

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice