I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
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The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Well well well…
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted