I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
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i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach