I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
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ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday