Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.