Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂