@elliewilsonxxxx

I just find it funny how Nick Jonas can literally read my sign I made for him in 2008 in Newcastle saying I had the love bug for him and still get married to that girl. Men are something else

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@HomeProbably

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

@Douchekevin

SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren’t home…

@Gupton68

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

@mydmac

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

@LosLos__

Got home late to a note that said “Wake me up for sex”, which I stared at for 10 mins before realizing it was my own handwriting.

@HeidiGolightly

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

@sock_holliday

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

@moose_chocolate

“Clique” is a French word meaning “small group of insufferable douchebags”.

@emmkaff

Scientists: Don’t freak out about Ebola.
Everyone: *Panic!*

Scientists: Freak out about climate change.
Everyone: LOL! Pass me some coal.

@AristotlesNZ

Congrats on the wedding dude. A present? Na man, everyone brings a present. I brought a past. Remember your ex-fiance Jan? Jan! come say hi.