I just find it funny how Nick Jonas can literally read my sign I made for him in 2008 in Newcastle saying I had the love bug for him and still get married to that girl. Men are something else

You Might Also Like


Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.


SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren’t home…


Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!


Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.


Got home late to a note that said “Wake me up for sex”, which I stared at for 10 mins before realizing it was my own handwriting.


Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?


I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?


Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir


“Clique” is a French word meaning “small group of insufferable douchebags”.


Scientists: Don’t freak out about Ebola.
Everyone: *Panic!*

Scientists: Freak out about climate change.
Everyone: LOL! Pass me some coal.


Congrats on the wedding dude. A present? Na man, everyone brings a present. I brought a past. Remember your ex-fiance Jan? Jan! come say hi.