Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I just find it funny how Nick Jonas can literally read my sign I made for him in 2008 in Newcastle saying I had the love bug for him and still get married to that girl. Men are something else
You Might Also Like
SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren’t home…
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Got home late to a note that said “Wake me up for sex”, which I stared at for 10 mins before realizing it was my own handwriting.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
“Clique” is a French word meaning “small group of insufferable douchebags”.
Scientists: Don’t freak out about Ebola.
Scientists: Freak out about climate change.
Everyone: LOL! Pass me some coal.
Congrats on the wedding dude. A present? Na man, everyone brings a present. I brought a past. Remember your ex-fiance Jan? Jan! come say hi.