*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
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I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Friday night party time 🥳
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.