Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

Scream sneezers need love too.

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.