I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
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Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Toxic snake
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry