I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
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I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
A Short Story.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.