I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
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[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
wait.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence