I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
@ candidates for local office
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
