Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

i will avenge u mr van gogh

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.