I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
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nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
🤣
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.