Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom

I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

shit just got real

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

cats when you pet them too long:

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.

The internet is full of many things

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.