I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
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Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
The glockness monster
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.