Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.