Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

Finally!

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

i’m still crying at this

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.