Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try