I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
You Might Also Like
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Encore…
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.