I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
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Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
good let them take over I have had enough
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
“What?”
– Jude
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.