Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet