Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?