I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
You Might Also Like
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.