I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
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Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken