Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

My dream job is getting paid to dream

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.