Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

(True)

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.