I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
You Might Also Like
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom