I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
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[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*