Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.