I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
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Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
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“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.