Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually