I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
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It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!