I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
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My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer