@E_lok44

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

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@ArfMeasures

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

@GeorgiaSweet20

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

@TheBoydP

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

@SatansTongue

(Selling my soul)
Just sign here and here
“I should have a lawyer read this”
*a million lawyers crawl through hell*
We have plenty of those

@david8hughes

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

@PetrickSara

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

@FunnyTunes

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

@SteveStockmanTX

The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out.

@InternetHippo

[meeting her parents]
GF (whispering): Please don’t make a scene
ME (angry-whispering): You told me there’d be cheese

@Tommytoughstuff

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.