I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
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My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.