I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

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[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there


*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…


All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…


(Selling my soul)
Just sign here and here
“I should have a lawyer read this”
*a million lawyers crawl through hell*
We have plenty of those


[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no


Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.


Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.


The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out.


[meeting her parents]
GF (whispering): Please don’t make a scene
ME (angry-whispering): You told me there’d be cheese


[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.