I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
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I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.