Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen