I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
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the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Weirdly Wednesday.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti