I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
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For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain