Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.