I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
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I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
podcasts
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.