I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
This raises questions
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
where the womens at?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.