I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
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[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
79.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo