I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
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Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.