I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
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Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.