Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10