Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when someone compliments me

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

Them: Just act casual
Me:

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!