I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
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sigh
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.