Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”