@Scdavis24

I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!

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@dumbbeezie

Give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you’ll have to fix the washing machine yourself with YouTube videos

@SureYouDo1

For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds…don’t get her a bathroom scale. Nope.

@salamingia

I feel bad for airport security workers. I’m going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.

@AbbieEvansXO

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

@BackrowSeats

You might think you’re smart until you try using someone else’s microwave.

@TheFearBoners

I wouldn’t let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!

@ohthatbadger

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

@Book_Krazy

Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!

Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!

Me:…

Hub:…his dream, not mine

@JohnLyonTweets

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

@vineyille

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.