Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
You Might Also Like
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
oh my god
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Beware of the “party goblin”…
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script