Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’

Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.