Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door