Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.