I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
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lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.