Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.