I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
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I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
A dad and his duck
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
White Castle for the Win
