Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.

#MousseDay #RubbishJokes

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.