Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

“Huge”.

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.