I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
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Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I think I’m having a stroke
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.