I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
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*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
termite twitter scares me
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.