I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
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My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.