I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
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Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
lmfao come on
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?