Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

I am a gravy boat captain

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.