I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
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Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings