Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
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Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering