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“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ