I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
